Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last – by Lucy Watson

Dear nice guys,

Let me start by saying that I’m your biggest fan. To me, there is nothing more attractive than a thoughtful, kind hearted man who genuinely cares about and respects women. It’s a rare and beautiful thing.

So I want to take a moment to dispel the biggest myth a lot of you have about dating/women.

Nice guys do not finish last.

There, I said it. And it’s the truth.

Just because you spent your teens/20s being rejected by bitchy girls, doesn’t mean you need to be an asshole to “get” women. Just because you were “friend zoned” by some girl who didn’t appreciate you romantically, doesn’t mean that is your destiny.

There are a million different reasons why men and women are (and aren’t) attracted to each other. But I can categorically guarantee that no sensible, quality woman ever marries the asshole. I promise.

So, if that’s the case, why aren’t you having any success with the ladies?

I’m really sorry to say this and I know it might hurt to hear – but it may actually be you. There may actually be things you’re doing that are decreasing your chances.

Yes yes, someone should love you for who you are, it’s true. You’re a nice guy, I get it, why doesn’t she just see that? Well she probably does, but I can assure you, that’s not the problem. It’s something else that she’s not telling you, because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are things you can do to make yourself more dateable. More attractive.

I’m here to be your fairy godmother, by giving you some sage, albeit brutally honest, advice to help you start coming first:

Build a bridge and get over it.

Let’s get something straight right up front here. Women get rejected too. And not just by assholes. By guys they cared about and thought were good men. Many women, who are perfectly beautiful, kind, generous and amazing get rejected every day. Men who seem really nice sleep with them and never call them. Or don’t sleep with them because it’s clear she “wants a relationship”.  Or date them, say they love them, and then change their mind for no reason at all. So just get the chip off your shoulder. Dating is hard for everyone. We’ve all had our hearts broken. We all have baggage we’re working through. We all have years of bad, and good dating advice running through our heads at all times; “Don’t call him”, “Wait three days”, “Wait three dates”, blah blah blah. Don’t blame all women for what came before. Work on yourself, and have an open mind.

You have flaws. Don’t moan about them. Fix them.

I know so many single men who wonder why they can’t get women – but they do nothing to fix the things that are so obviously reducing their chances. It’s true, someone should love you for you, but there are so many deal breakers out there – why not give yourself the best chance? After all, women wax, and cut and dye, put make up on, and squeeze their feet into heels. What are you doing? No one is saying you need abs (you 100% categorically don’t), but the beer gut may be a turn off. Get a decent hair cut. Get some clothes that actually flatter you, and have a bit of style. Grow a beard if you look young, or don’t have a strong chin. Think about your footwear – women will notice. Stop smoking. Start drinking wine and learning to cook. Make your room look inviting. And don’t just do it for them, do it for you. The more pride you have in yourself, the more pride your woman will have in you.

Be interesting (to women).

Knowing all the hacks in Grand Theft Auto, or all the stats from the latest Ashes series are rarely interesting to women. Think about it. You will need to sit opposite this person at countless meals, in countless car rides. Don’t you think you should have something interesting to say? Read a book or a newspaper. Watch documentaries. Go to a gallery or a museum. Learn an instrument or a language. We know men love sport and computer games, but unless you’re lucky enough to find a lady who shares that passion, maybe you need to broaden your horizons. I promise you, no woman ever turned down a man because he was well read and cultured.

You’re going for the wrong girls.

I can’t emphasise this one enough. I get so sick of reading articles about those poor beta men who just can’t get girls (when what they really mean is they can’t get the “hot girls”). What about all the nice girls? Are they not good enough for you? If you are shallow, and choosing women for the wrong reasons, then don’t be surprised that you keep failing.  Either start batting in your own league, or start getting really funny, rich or famous. No one is saying you shouldn’t be attracted to the girl you date, you should. But just be open minded. How can you ask a girl to see the beauty in you, if you’re not willing to do the same for her? The nice girl you’ve been overlooking might be the girl who’s been looking at you all along.

Ask her out.

Ok, so there’s a girl in your extended group of friends who you like, who you maybe even kissed one night. And what do you, a nice Australian guy do about it? Nothing. Nothing! Argh! You just wait until another social occasion comes along and then when you’re both drunk you maybe go up to her and talk and see if something happens, you know, if it feels right. It’s completely risk free, I get it, but it’s not very romantic. The only reason I think anyone goes on dates these days is thanks to internet dating. Australia just doesn’t have a dating culture and it’s so infuriating. Do you like her? Here’s an idea. ASK HER OUT! You don’t even have to call anymore. Texting or Facebooking is fine. Just do it.

Think about where you’re taking her.

My 100% biggest bug bear with the dates I have been asked on is when a guy doesn’t suggest somewhere to go, and leaves all the details up to me. It’s lazy, and it shows you haven’t thought about making a good impression in any way. It’s like turning up on your first date in tracksuit pants. Sure she might have a counter idea, but at least go in there with something. It lets her know something about you, and what you like. And it makes the girl feel like you’ve made an effort.

Don’t come on too strong.

So you had a great night with a girl you like. You kissed her goodnight and it was good. You’re on your way home on tram, and you feel all warm and fuzzy. You text her and say you had a good time, and you’d like to do it again soon. And then stop. Just the once will do. You’ve told her you’re interested, let her imagination do some of the work. Now, I’m not saying wait three days or any of that bullshit. If she’s into you, she’s into you, there’s no need for games. But don’t come on too strong either. Take your time. If you’ve only been on one or two dates you don’t owe each other anything yet. You’re just seeing what happens.

Set your boundaries.

If a girl cheats on you, or dates you for a month but is clearly still flirting with all the other guys around her, or is using you as moral support while she dates an asshole, or she simply isn’t showing you the respect you deserve then that sucks, and she’s not a nice person. But this doesn’t mean you’re too nice, it means that she thinks she can get away with whatever she likes, because you’re letting her! You can still be a nice guy, but have boundaries. If it means she doesn’t hang around after that, then you’re better off without her.

Wait.

This one’s for the guys under 25. Do the girls look at you like you’re their little brother, while they keep going for that jerky guy? It won’t always be this way. Just hold on. Yes, when girls are in their early 20s they have terrible taste in men. Don’t get discouraged by this, it’s a natural part of life. Nature will take its course, and they will grow up and realise they don’t want to marry a guy like that. In the meantime, you can always learn to play guitar.

Grow up.

This is for the guys over 25. Are you still living like you’re at uni? Still living at Mum and Dads, or having your Mum do your washing? Do you still think toast is cooking? Is your car full of McDonalds wrappers? Do you still go out and get totally smashed and say things like “eating is cheating”? Maybe it’s time to grow up a bit. I know once upon a time, men got married young, and so never had to learn how to use a washing machine. But these days women are looking for a man to be partner to them, not a big child they have to clean up after. And besides, a man who can cook, and knows how to pick a good wine is very attractive.

Go where the women are.

You hang out at your local footy club, or at a sports bar and you wonder where all the women are? I’ll tell you where they are. They’re doing yoga, and sitting in wine bars. They’re going to French classes, or dancing classes, or spin. They’re wandering around book stores, and sitting in cafes. They’re chatting with friends in pubs without TVs in them. They’re going to see bands, and comedy. Start thinking about where your kind of girl would be hanging out, and go there. She’s not just going to fall in your lap!

Work on your skills.

Bad kissing is a deal breaker. End of story. For a lot of girls, the kiss is the first big test, and a bad one can definitely mean curtains. On the other hand, a good one is the greatest way to make sure she comes back for more. So just do some research, work it out, get feedback if necessary. If you’re in your late 20s and you haven’t learned to kiss yet, she won’t stick around to teach you. She’ll just walk. The same goes for when you get to the bedroom. Get some skills, learn a few tricks. There’s loads of information out there on what to do, and what not to do. No porn does not count as research. Quite the opposite, actually. Think about what she likes, ask her, listen to what she says. You’d be amazed how much credit a good performance will get you.

If you just want sex, you’re not a nice guy.

I get it, sex is great. And news flash! Women enjoy it too. But generally women prefer to have sex with a guy they are in a relationship with. Who cares about them. Who isn’t going to just disappear after the deed is done. This is for a myriad of reasons, not least because they have been treated badly by guys who they had casual sex with, and they don’t want to feel bad again. Also, getting laid for a girl, is easy. It’s finding someone who really cares about you, and who is there for you that’s hard. So if you’re just pretending to be a nice guy, but your end game is sex, and not getting to know a great girl and spend time with her, then I’m sorry, but you’re not a nice guy.

At the end of the day, love is a tricky, elusive creature, and finding the right person for you is not easy. I could write just as long a letter to nice girls to help them stop making the same silly mistakes – mistakes that I made over and over again.

And of course, there will always be exceptions to every rule. Some girls love abs. Some girls find smoking sexy. Some girls love a portly man. Some girls think Grand Theft Auto is the greatest game ever invented. I fell in love with a guy whose shoes I didn’t like at all. Rules are made to be broken. Chemistry is a powerful, indefinable thing.

The best advice I can give you is the same advice I gave myself when I was single. Think about the kind of person you want to be with, and then make sure you’re the kind of person that person would want to be with.

The rest, is fate.

Yours sincerely,

Nice girl.